May I start this by thanking you for this great challenge. You made sure to email me every day with encouragement, exercises, recipes and other strategies to help me stick with it.
Depression Part Two I remember being endlessly entertained by the adventures of my toys. Some days they died repeated, violent deaths, other days they traveled to space or discussed my swim lessons and how I absolutely should be allowed in the deep end of the pool, especially since I was such a talented doggy-paddler.
I didn't understand why it was fun for me, it just was. But as I grew older, it became harder and harder to access that expansive imaginary space that made my toys fun. I remember looking at them and feeling sort of frustrated and confused that things weren't the same.
I played out all the same story lines that had been fun before, but the meaning had disappeared. Horse's Big Space Adventure transformed into holding a plastic horse in the air, hoping it would somehow be enjoyable for me.
Prehistoric Crazy-Bus Death Ride was just smashing a toy bus full of dinosaurs into the wall while feeling sort of bored and unfulfilled. I could no longer connect to my toys in a way that allowed me to participate in the experience. Depression feels almost exactly like that, except about everything.
At first, though, the invulnerability that accompanied the detachment was exhilarating. At least as exhilarating as something can be without involving real emotions. The beginning of my depression had been nothing but feelings, so the emotional deadening that followed was a welcome relief.
I viewed feelings as a weakness — annoying obstacles on my quest for total power over myself. And I finally didn't have to feel them anymore. But my experiences slowly flattened and blended together until it became obvious that there's a huge difference between not giving a fuck and not being able to give a fuck.
Cognitively, you might know that different things are happening to you, but they don't feel very different. Which leads to horrible, soul-decaying boredom.
I tried to get out more, but most fun activities just left me existentially confused or frustrated with my inability to enjoy them. Months oozed by, and I gradually came to accept that maybe enjoyment was not a thing I got to feel anymore.
I didn't want anyone to know, though. I was still sort of uncomfortable about how bored and detached I felt around other people, and I was still holding out hope that the whole thing would spontaneously work itself out.
As long as I could manage to not alienate anyone, everything might be okay! However, I could no longer rely on genuine emotion to generate facial expressions, and when you have to spend every social interaction consciously manipulating your face into shapes that are only approximately the right ones, alienating people is inevitable.
It's weird for people who still have feelings to be around depressed people. They try to help you have feelings again so things can go back to normal, and it's frustrating for them when that doesn't happen. From their perspective, it seems like there has got to be some untapped source of happiness within you that you've simply lost track of, and if you could just see how beautiful things are At first, I'd try to explain that it's not really negativity or sadness anymore, it's more just this detached, meaningless fog where you can't feel anything about anything — even the things you love, even fun things — and you're horribly bored and lonely, but since you've lost your ability to connect with any of the things that would normally make you feel less bored and lonely, you're stuck in the boring, lonely, meaningless void without anything to distract you from how boring, lonely, and meaningless it is.
But people want to help. So they try harder to make you feel hopeful and positive about the situation.
You explain it again, hoping they'll try a less hope-centric approach, but re-explaining your total inability to experience joy inevitably sounds kind of negative; like maybe you WANT to be depressed.
The positivity starts coming out in a spray — a giant, desperate happiness sprinkler pointed directly at your face.Mar 24, · No one can predict the future but I do have an idea of what I would like to do in the years coming up.
In a long term sense I would like to have gotten accepted into a fairly prestigious college and have either graduated either from law school or a business program from a one of the top fifteen schools of either programs.
Talking points: If I could change one thing about myself, what would it be? Talking points: If I could change one thing about myself, what would it be? Tubedubber: Make a mashup by playing one youtube video with sound from another.
New Album Releases, get newly released hot albums and song lyrics here; find the song meanings, music videos and artist bios. Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud".
Despite external evidence of their competence, those experiencing this phenomenon remain convinced that they are frauds, and do not.
Animated puppet theater! Laura Heit’s work at the Gene Siskel Film Center.